epiphany
You know, I could go on about how horrible this year's been for me : my grandfather died; my parents got divorced; my gf of 3 years broke up with me; and my grandmother is in the hospital -- but I won't. For awhile, what once was unbridled optimism on my part turned really sour. I've never really handled any of these problems properly -- always ignoring them and trying to forget them -- instead of dealing with them and exploring the cause of my pain and anguish. I know one of these days they'll come back to haunt me just like the ghosts of christmas haunted scrooge. I really should deal with them now but it would all be too overwhelming. For now they're out of my mind and out of my sight. I'll deal with them slowly as they resurface somewhere down the road.
Today I choose to move on with my life and to not look back with remorse or regret. I'm neither an optimist, a pessimist, or a realist. I've abandoned my faith in everything for the time being. Hopefully one day all that faith will be restored. You can call me a temporary nihilist for now. In fact, call me a temporary hedonistic nihilist. I will now follow simple rules: live life on the edge; expect nothing; regret nothing; and bring on the good times. If you ever see me at a club, say hi. I'll say hi back. Maybe we'll exchange numbers. Maybe I'll even call you. We won't make silly promises to each other. We'll just enjoy each other's company for as long as the fun lasts. It really is that simple.
Thursday, March 13, 2003
Monday, March 10, 2003
searching for answers
What if you were aware things weren't right? What if I told you that three years from now, the person you once loved would have drifted away like a balloon? What would you do? Is it easier to set them free on your own terms, or is it easier to turn around one day and realize the loosely tied balloon broke free from your wrist and sailed into the sky unexpectedly? How long would you stand there and watch it drift away?
What would be worse -- being incapable of love or being unlovable? Could you live a life knowing that you hurt every single person who loved you? Could you survive knowing that all the feelings and emotions you have to offer would never be returned? What if this moment of doubt never passed?
What if I told you that I moved on; that everything we had was a vague memory; that I could barely remember your face? Would you be happy for me? Would you be sad for yourself? Would you still talk to me? What if I didn't love you anymore? Would you hate me?
How would you feel if I said I found someone else? Did you think I would sit and cry forever? Who do you think you are? Why were you so special to me? What if she was better than you? Would you all of a sudden care? Would I all of a sudden care?
What if I couldn't ask these questions? What if I never got any answers? What if I had to sit and just accept everything that happens to me as small events of a greater plan? What if I told you I was really confused? Would you hold my hand?
What if you were aware things weren't right? What if I told you that three years from now, the person you once loved would have drifted away like a balloon? What would you do? Is it easier to set them free on your own terms, or is it easier to turn around one day and realize the loosely tied balloon broke free from your wrist and sailed into the sky unexpectedly? How long would you stand there and watch it drift away?
What would be worse -- being incapable of love or being unlovable? Could you live a life knowing that you hurt every single person who loved you? Could you survive knowing that all the feelings and emotions you have to offer would never be returned? What if this moment of doubt never passed?
What if I told you that I moved on; that everything we had was a vague memory; that I could barely remember your face? Would you be happy for me? Would you be sad for yourself? Would you still talk to me? What if I didn't love you anymore? Would you hate me?
How would you feel if I said I found someone else? Did you think I would sit and cry forever? Who do you think you are? Why were you so special to me? What if she was better than you? Would you all of a sudden care? Would I all of a sudden care?
What if I couldn't ask these questions? What if I never got any answers? What if I had to sit and just accept everything that happens to me as small events of a greater plan? What if I told you I was really confused? Would you hold my hand?
Thursday, March 06, 2003
"Sometimes I think the people to feel the saddest for are people who are unable to connect with the profound -- people such as my boring brother-in-law, a hearty type so concerned with normality and fitting in that he eliminates any possibility of uniqueness for himself and his own personality. I wonder if some day, when he is older, he will wake up and the deeper part of him will realize that he has never allowed himself to truly exist, and he will cry with regret and shame and grief.
And then sometimes I think the people to feel saddest for are people who once knew what profoundness was, but who lost or became numb to the sensation of wonder -- people who closed the doors that lead us into the secret world -- or who had the doors closed for them by time and neglect and decisions made in times of weakness."
Douglas Coupland - Life After God - Cathy
And then sometimes I think the people to feel saddest for are people who once knew what profoundness was, but who lost or became numb to the sensation of wonder -- people who closed the doors that lead us into the secret world -- or who had the doors closed for them by time and neglect and decisions made in times of weakness."
Douglas Coupland - Life After God - Cathy
Monday, March 03, 2003
Tuesday, February 25, 2003
Sunday, February 23, 2003
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
Friday, February 21, 2003
I have shitloads and shitloads of bad karma. I must have raped cute little bunny rabbits in a previous life or something. I went to the post office to pick up a belated valentines gift from my ex-gf just now and got a $40 parking ticket for parking in a fire route. Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you when you think everything's ok. The package was nice though.
Back in highschool I used to take long drives by myself when I needed to do some thinking. I would drive from Mississauga to Niagara Falls and back to Mississauga again. I found that driving late at night with no cars on the road and signs passing by at 100 km/hr was the most peaceful thing in the world. Since highschool I've made very few drives like that. At least drives with the purpose of clearing my mind and thinking things through. Maybe I didn't have the need anymore. Maybe it was the arm and the leg I would have had to pay for gas. I decided a few days ago I'd get back to it and take a long drive south. I decided I needed to clear my head. It doesn't matter where I went but the drive helped. I feel a little better about the occurrences of the past week. I'm not quite at peace with it yet but I've made a step in the right direction.
On my drive, I thought about the past, the present, and the future. How my ex-gf and I struggled to find each other. How we went leaps and bounds to be together. How none of that mattered in the end. And how I'm going to handle future relationships. I'm going to forget about long-term commitments. I'm going into relationships now with no expectations whatsoever. Should I expect her to bathe daily? Sure, but I'm not going to. Expectations are for the birds. Promises too. Promises are definitely for the birds. Even if she promises to beat my ass with a cane, I won't believe it til I see the blood dripping from my cheeks. It's not about bitterness. It's not about pessimism. It's about protecting the one thing that people take for granted so often, their emotions.
You date and date in search of a person who you would want to share your entire life with and when you finally find that person, it doesn't work out. Love has a cruel sense of irony. Why not take the same ironic approach? Expect nothing and maybe love will come knocking on your front door.
For those who have a little more faith than I do, ignore everything I've said above.
On my drive, I thought about the past, the present, and the future. How my ex-gf and I struggled to find each other. How we went leaps and bounds to be together. How none of that mattered in the end. And how I'm going to handle future relationships. I'm going to forget about long-term commitments. I'm going into relationships now with no expectations whatsoever. Should I expect her to bathe daily? Sure, but I'm not going to. Expectations are for the birds. Promises too. Promises are definitely for the birds. Even if she promises to beat my ass with a cane, I won't believe it til I see the blood dripping from my cheeks. It's not about bitterness. It's not about pessimism. It's about protecting the one thing that people take for granted so often, their emotions.
You date and date in search of a person who you would want to share your entire life with and when you finally find that person, it doesn't work out. Love has a cruel sense of irony. Why not take the same ironic approach? Expect nothing and maybe love will come knocking on your front door.
For those who have a little more faith than I do, ignore everything I've said above.
Thursday, February 20, 2003
It's been a rough 72 hrs. Probably the roughest 72 hrs I've experienced in my entire life. Ever have a really good dream where everything is going just perfect and you're about to reach that happy ending, then you wake up? Like someone pulled the rug out from underneath you. That's what it felt like when it initially happened.
I want to call her and try and understand a little more about why she made the decision she made but I'm afraid the more I know, the more hurt I'll be. For years I questioned whether she was strong enough to handle this relationship and for years she's been the pillar of strength and faith for us. Long distance relationships never work, and we both knew this. But we took the chance because we thought we were soulmates. We thought love like this could span any distance. How completely naive of us.
She was always reassuring me and always standing tall through all our obstacles. So as the years went by, my faith in the relationship grew. My expectations for us grew. Nothing would stand in our way. Then one day it all changed. How does it all fall apart in a heartbeat? I sit and think of the reason she gave me and it really doesn't feel right. There's something missing. And as I sit and think out all the possibilities, I don't know what would be worse, whether she found another person, whether she just fell out of love with me, or a combination of both.
So where do I go from here? Do I move on? Do I sit and ponder why? What did I do wrong? Can we still be friends after all the resentment and bitterness? I need some answers. Someone, anyone.
I want to call her and try and understand a little more about why she made the decision she made but I'm afraid the more I know, the more hurt I'll be. For years I questioned whether she was strong enough to handle this relationship and for years she's been the pillar of strength and faith for us. Long distance relationships never work, and we both knew this. But we took the chance because we thought we were soulmates. We thought love like this could span any distance. How completely naive of us.
She was always reassuring me and always standing tall through all our obstacles. So as the years went by, my faith in the relationship grew. My expectations for us grew. Nothing would stand in our way. Then one day it all changed. How does it all fall apart in a heartbeat? I sit and think of the reason she gave me and it really doesn't feel right. There's something missing. And as I sit and think out all the possibilities, I don't know what would be worse, whether she found another person, whether she just fell out of love with me, or a combination of both.
So where do I go from here? Do I move on? Do I sit and ponder why? What did I do wrong? Can we still be friends after all the resentment and bitterness? I need some answers. Someone, anyone.
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